Match B: Agent 47 | Waluigi

Started by Luca, August 21, 2021, 11:26:18 AM

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In a devastating conflict between Agent 47 and Waluigi, who shall prevail?

Agent 47
0 (0%)
5 (100%)

Total Members Voted: 5

Voting closed: August 22, 2021, 11:26:18 AM



Write up an example of a battle in any form you choose. Be as elaborate or as simple as you wish. Be analytical and methodical or fanciful and storylike. Whichever you like best. Then vote in the poll to reflect how your match has turned out. The results of the poll will determine the outcome and a canonical shitpost will be developed which expresses that result. You are not required to write a battle post to vote, although it is recommended.

Votes will only be displayed after the poll closes.

Agent 47


  • Very shiny bald head
  • Weapons of choice are a newspaper, a briefcase, and your family's prized vase
  • Bends the laws of physics for the sake of the mission
  • Most premier magician assassin around

Agent 47 is an assassin whose background absolutely no one cares about. He has been known to divert from mission objectives to either knock everyone in a 100 sq. mile radius unconscious, visit the beach, or steal cars. But when he DOES focus on the mission, he's the best assassin money can hire. It is suspected that Agent 47 is really a magician who has mastered all the possible secrets of magic, but now spends his life spinning briefcases around corners and taking on assassination contracts. But this remains unverified.



  • Very tall
  • Strong legs, will dropkick anyone who gets in his way
  • Assist trophy support
  • Amazing dancer

After 11 years of standing on the sidelines as merely an assist trophy, Waluigi is ready to make his enemies wah.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   


  Agent 47     



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August 21st, 2:09 AM
Diamond City
Wario Castle

200,000,000 gold coins from the Mushroom Kingdom. He didn't know how much that was worth in krones - he was a killer, not a mathematician. Besides, it's coming from the pockets of royalty, it must be a pretty hefty sum. He didn't know why the Princess wanted this lanky man dead, all he knew is that it was his duty as an assassin to execute.

He stood waiting idly for 25 hours, 32 minutes and 05 second until finally a black parked the purple Double Dash! Agent 47 followed 5 centimeters behind Wario as he walked in front of him; Wario finally noticed his stalker and he abruptly turned around. "Ahahahaha! Wario does not care for paparazzi, begone bald man!" But Agent 47 merely ripped off bark from a nearby tree and hurled it at Wario's leg, knocking him unconcious. He dragged his body behind that very tree and stole his clothes. And soon Agent 47 was Wario. He tipped his large yellow hat to civilians as he searched for his target...but Waluigi found him first.

"Wario! The Olympics in Tokyo are over, we need to begin training right away so we may defeat Peach in table tennis once again!" Agent 47 looked Walugi dead in the eye and bashed him in the head with a trashcan. "Oof!" he called out. "Grr, you aren't Wario! Wario would never shave his moustache! Wahaha!"

Agent 47 hurled his trashcan on the ground at Waluigi at full strength, but Waluigi's legs kicked it right back at Agent's face and flew into the air. To Waluigi's LUCK, it landed directly on Agent's head, canceling his vision like a Skyrim bucket.
"Waluigi number ONE!"
"Waluigi number ONE!"
"Waluigi number ONE!"
Each time he executed this line by hurling a Bob-omb  at the trashcan helmet, exploding violently and sending Agent 47 down to the ground. "Take THIS!" he yelled as yet another Bob-omb flew his way. Agent caught it and hurled it straight back at Waluigi blasting him into a bond with a great "Wah!"

Agent 47 regathered his strength and looked out into the movement. He was ready to call his hit executed when SUDDENLY-
Waluigi bursts out of the pond and into the air still in a swimming motion wearing boxing gloves. He landed right on Agent 47 and began throwing punches with his right arm straight into his opponent's face. Agent didn't say a word, but instead reached for Wario's hat and slapped Waluigi right off of him. Agent 47 went for a strike on own, but his fist met the left boxing glove of Waluigi.
They both flew back...but only Waluigi rose to his feet. "WAHAHAA! The Bob-omb in the boxing glove trick wins again!" he cried out with glee, now showing off amazing dance moves. "I'M-A NUMBER ONE! Heh, hehehehe! Look, I'ma dance! I'ma sing! I'ma so happy! HA, hahahahaha!"

There'#039s a light inside your soul that'#039s still shining in the cold, and the truth - the promise in our hearts
Don'#039t forget, I'#039m with you in the dark :)




  Agent 47     



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     "Your mission, 47, is to track down Waluigi Wario, a local crime boss and general ne'er-do-well. He's known for his wild antics, and may be in the employ of his brother Wario Wario. Our informant places Waluigi on the tennis courts in the centre of the Super Wario Brothers compound. His dinner is currently being prepared in the kitchens, and he is expected to go kart racing afterward. Good luck."

47 walked into the kitchen, dressed as a line chef. The disguise would only be good to this point, as the rest of the chefs would no doubt know their normal staff and clock him on the spot. He ducked behind a counter and waited. The head chef had been preparing a koopa steak with roasted mushrooms, but was distracted by a can of expired spaghetti sauce bursting against the far wall of the kitchen. By the time he returned to the dish, it had been immaculately plated and garnished for him.

47 stood in the shadows of the dining room as Waluigi entered. He was taller than he'd imagined, with extremely long legs, a penchant for the colour purple, and a wiry moustache. His hat prominently featured an upside-down 'L' as he sat at the table, laughing nasally with a man accompanying him, dressed in a green jumpsuit and wearing 3D glasses. Once he'd taken his seat, 47 emerged and approached the table, a towel over one arm and the covered dish balanced on his right hand. He sat it on the table. "Your dinner, Mr. Wario," he took the cover off, "a roasted and pan-seared, free-range koopa steak with a side of wild mushrooms and onion sprigs."

"Waa ha ha," came the response, "waat is this seasoning? I've-a never smelled such a thing before!"

47 stood straight, his hand finding the grip of the handgun he'd stuffed in the back of his waistband. "The finest saffron, stolen from the exploited indigenous people of Dry Dry Desert. Moustafa sent them with his regards."

Waluigi's eyes narrowed, and he stood up quickly. "18-Volt, Jimmy T., Dribble, Spitz, Master Mantis, Kat, Ana, Orbulon! We-a have an intruder!"

"What gave it away?" asked 47, pulling the gun and aiming it at Waluigi's face.

"Moustafa hates me ever since I beat him at mouseketball! He would never give me a gift!" Waluigi knocked the assassin's hand aside, causing the shot to go astray. An afro-wearing disco dancer agilely dodged it. Two young girls in ninja garb, an alien, an old wise man, and some furries entered the room, each brandishing their own weapons. 47 realised too late his mistake. He was in the middle of an established compound with cartoon-level weirdness in its fighters, and he was just an unreasonably-competent human being. He spent the next several minutes trying to fight, but was out-danced, out-martial-art'd, out-painted, and was unable to water plants in two seconds on a badly-calibrated touchpad.

Thoroughly defeated, 47 was carried to the medical wing, fading out to the nasal victory call "Waluigi numbah one!"

Waluigi wins.