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Match A: Film Noir | Keanu Reeves

Started by Luca, August 21, 2021, 11:23:52 AM

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In a devastating conflict between The Abstract Concept of Film Noir and Keanu Reeves, who shall prevail?

The Abstract Concept of Film Noir
2 (28.6%)
Keanu Reeves
5 (71.4%)

Total Members Voted: 7

Voting closed: August 22, 2021, 11:25:20 AM



Write up an example of a battle in any form you choose. Be as elaborate or as simple as you wish. Be analytical and methodical or fanciful and storylike. Whichever you like best. Then vote in the poll to reflect how your match has turned out. The results of the poll will determine the outcome and a canonical shitpost will be developed which expresses that result. You are not required to write a battle post to vote, although it is recommended.

Votes will only be displayed after the poll closes.

The Abstract Concept of Film Noir


  • Influential genre dating back to the mid 20th century
  • Excellent deductive reasoning
  • Disembodied narration
  • Second-hand suits
The letter drifted under his door like smoke off the last drag of a fading cigarette; it had almost as many creases as he did. There was nowhere left to run. He had to figure out what happened to Jackie, and who had the jewels, but they were already closing in. A fight was looking for him, and it had 20/20 vision.

Keanu Reeves


  • Thinks you're breathtaking
  • 'Whoa'
  • Only person on earth who deserves dogs
  • (Don't touch the dog)
  • A man of focus, commitment, and sheer will
He's kind. He's generous. He knows uncountable ways to kill you. He looks like he doesn't age, because he doesn't age. He won the love of literally everyone. He's Keanu Reeves.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             


          Film Noir         

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Keanu Reeves        

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His mama had told him when he was young that the rain was when angels were crying. Something sad must have happened in heaven, because it hadn't stopped raining for days. His name was Bullet. Tracer Bullet. He was a private investigator, ten years retired from the LAPD. A shadow fell across his door, darkening his mood. He took a drink from the glass of scotch on his desk and waited for the knock. It didn't come.

Suddenly, the door kicked in like the beat dropping in one of those songs the kids listened to nowadays. A man walked in, his face framed by hair as black as the suit he wore. If looks could kill, the one he was giving Tracer would have put him six feet under. Tracer stood up, said something about minding your manners. The shadow at the door moved across the room in a blur, brandishing a pencil. Tracer asked his name as he blocked the first punch. Keanu, came the answer. The One and only Keanu Reeves, and he was here to collect. Tracer reached for the revolver under his desk, pulled it and fired at Reeves, only for the bullets to stop in mid-air. As they fell to the ground, he was shown why they called Keanu Reeves Baba Yaga.

As his lights were knocked out, Tracer laid on the floor. Reeves stood over him, pulling a beretta from a holster inside his impeccably-fitted jacket. He apologised, said the game had been rigged from the start.
Whoa, Keanu Reeves wins.


Hey folks, it's Budget Death Battle here to analyze this epic battle between the abstract concept of Film Noir versus the breathtaking Keanu Reeves! So sit down and let's examine our top-notch fighters of the evening.

Film Noir

From the abstract dimensions, Film Noir's greatest strength lies in deductive reasoning. With off-the-charts wittiness and quite the agility for a 90 year old concept, Film Noir is definitely a fighter focused on milisecond reaction time and split-second thinking. Its existence as a genre also means it has loads of experience, due to its representation of countless agile detectives.

However, its weaknesses lie with a sordid lack of spirit and luck, which indicates a lack of vitality on Film Noir's part. While this can be overcome by a quick victory, a longer battle may spell doom for our combatant.

Overall a great fighter with astounding thematic style, Film Noir will have to rely on a quick victory to defeat Keanu Reeves.

Keanu Reeves

On the caring Keanu Reeves side, it is clear his strengths lie primarily in his spirit and indomitable will, which bestow upon him excellent endurance. His equal spread in strength, agility, affinity mark Reeves as a very well-rounded fighter as well. His breathtaking kindness and ability to slightly command hordes of internet admirers also allow Keanu to rely on morale support when all is hopeless- a powerful spiritual boost.

However, Keanu has his weaknesses too. His weaknesses especially lie in lack of magical ability and luck, meaning that Keanu will have to rely on physical weapons and skills to overpower his opponent. His kindness may provide a hinderance during unprovoked conflict, although he has proven through multiple John Wick series that he has what it takes to protected his beloved friends.

Overall a kind actor who would rather avoid conflict than start it, Keanu Reeves is an all-around fighter who nonetheless may be outmatched by his opponent at the start of the match.

The Conclusion

Both opponents are quite equally matched at the start. Film Noir has decades more experience and more quicker reflexes, which goes up against Reeves's well rounded fighting abilities and fan horde.

For the first half of the battle, we at BDB predict that Film Noir will maintain the upper-hand. Keanu's attempts to negotiate with his attacker gives Noir much room and time to attack. Utilizing its heightened intelligence, it will be able to quickly launch an unparalleled series of attacks against Keanu whilst utiliizng its dexterity to avoid return injury. As Film Noir's strategic thinking and similar affinity to Keanu give it the edge of attack, it will manage to push the stricken protector to near defeat.

However in the second half of battle, we see a stunning turn. Despite Noir's devastating onslaught, Keanu manages to outlast all attacks. His spirit keeps him going beyond what should even be humanly possible- perhaps with the support of his fans or love for his dog? Either way, Keanu realizes that negotiation will no longer be possible and decides action is required. He launches his own attack against Noir after Noir briefly paused from its latest attack. This sudden move causes a drop of morale in Noir as it realizes its opponent handled the beating he received.

Noticing his opponent's slowing attacks, Keanu rallies himself to the cheers of his internet allies. Utilizing his greater strength and somewhat higher affinity for physical weaponry, Keanu manages to bring a quick finish to his fading opponent after a few more seconds of combat, knocking the glass vase from its hands.

The following message is soon emblazoned on the audience's very cool and futuristic glasses: K.O.: The Abstract Film Noir was ceremoniously defeated by Keanu Reeves with overwhelming kindness. Keanu Reeves is the victor.
A random goose has appeared.


I have never watched a Film Noir movie. I looked up the wikipedia page and then wrote this. Don't hurt me.

It's late evening. A homeless man huddles by a lamppost, and steam drifts from a vent in the sidewalk. A gentle rain falls, glinting on the road. Our protagonist stands in a shaft of light, slouched. His face is in shadows, obscured by a tilt of his head and a fedora. He has a hand in his trench coat, resting on his trusty revolver.
'Follow the money,' he mutters. Snaps his fingers. 'Follow the money.' He strides into the darkness, vanishing into the gloom. The homeless man turns to watch him go.

We cut to a dimly lit bar. The alcohol is hard, and the patrons are harder. Money is changing hands in the background, cigarette smoke clogs the air, and the sound of chips being thrown cuts through the background hum. Our protagonist walks up to the bar, and leans against it, tapping a finger.
'Jim,' he says, 'You got him?'
'Sure do.' the barman nodded to the corner, where a man with long hair and a charcoal suit sat confidently slouched. Mr. Reeves.
Our protagonist slides into the seat next to him. This was it. It was all coming together. The game was up.
'Mr Reeves,' he says, 'I've waited a long time for this.'
'What's that?', Mr. Reeves replies, with a tilt of the head and a smile.
Our protagonist signals, and three patrons pull revolvers, trained on Mr. Reeves.
'You're a hard man to catch, Mr. Reeves. But a man like you needs to make friends, or they'll get taken out of the game. And you,' our protagonist lights a cigarette lackadaisically. 'Find yourself quite friendless.'.
Mr. Reeves gave a sad smile. It was a smile that said he had seen how the game ends, and it wasn't pretty. A crack sounds, and our protagonist slumps into the table, then is shoved back into his seat as Keanu Reeves throws the table at the three armed men. Keanu pulls the cigarette from our protagonists limp hands. 'In this game, I'm the house.'
The three men are up again, but they just watch him leave, helpless, as their genre unravels around them. They are now normal, fedoraless men. The bar clears of smoke.

Keanu Reeves Wins!

In ancient times, cats were worshipped as gods. They have not forgotten this. - Terry Pratchett




          Film Noir         

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Keanu Reeves        

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      Los Angeles, the city of angels. Those long, dry summers have a way of sucking up all the gunk on the street and ferrying it into the worst places. I was sitting on a park bench when it happened, as lost in my thoughts as I was in the sandwich I'd halfway finished. My name? Reeves. Keanu Reeves. I'm an actor. There are three things I knew in that moment: my life was in danger, I had to find the source of this stylised inner monologue, and kung fu. My hair fell in my face, as black as the heart of this city, and I began running. For what? I didn't know.

I looked around for the nearest phone booth. I had to make a call, collect. Phone booths had played a large role in my life, nearly as influential as the number of roles I'd played in my life. I saw one in the distance, just as I felt it. They were watching me, a thousand eyes staring like stars in the night, burning a hole in me. I picked up the phone, yelled into it. That dame was always watching over me, I just hoped she was ready to pull me out in time. Suddenly, I felt it. Whoa. My reliance on a woman to save my life broke the genre I'd been trapped within. The power of overcoming this challenge swelled inside me. I remembered all those people who had been asking me if I was back. Yeah, I thought, I'm thinking I'm back.

Keanu Reeves wins.