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Match C: Christiano Ronaldo | Male Pattern Baldness

Started by Luca, August 22, 2021, 12:56:00 PM

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In a battle of attrition between Christiano Ronaldo and Male Pattern Baldness, who will survive?

Christiano Ronaldo
4 (40%)
Male Pattern Baldness
6 (60%)

Total Members Voted: 10

Voting closed: August 23, 2021, 12:56:00 PM



Write up an example of a battle in any form you choose. Be as elaborate or as simple as you wish. Be analytical and methodical or fanciful and storylike. Whichever you like best. Then vote in the poll to reflect how your match has turned out. The results of the poll will determine the outcome and a canonical shitpost will be developed which expresses that result. You are not required to write a battle post to vote, although it is recommended.

Votes will only be displayed after the poll closes.

Cristiano Ronaldo


Cristiano Ronaldo, the peak of human strength and physique. A 36 year old in a 20 year old's body, CR7 has no problem turning his opponents into mush. A lightning on his feet as well, being able to jump over mountains just to head the winning goal. Don't underestimate his ball control skills though, one free kick and everyone in Row Z gets annihilated.

Male Pattern Baldness

Age:21 and up

• Affects as many as half of all men around the world
• Men have a 25% chance of getting it at the age of 21, 40% chance at 35, and 50% chance at 50
• Can be psychologically distressing and affect self-esteem
• There is literally no reason for men to go bald it is so pointless everyone hates it so much

All men live in fear of it.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         


          Cristiano Ronaldo         

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Male Pattern Baldness        

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Christiano Ronaldo frowns at himself in the mirror. The incredible Christiano Ronaldo, with male pattern baldness? It could not be! The greatest footballer in the universe could not be bald! Christiano Ronaldo is perfect in every respect!

Then he remembers. Ah, I earn 31 million euros a year. I can buy a hair transplant, like that scamp Wayne Rooney. Money buys happiness. I am no peasant, to serve at the mercy of biological whims. He smiles at his muscles and beautiful skin. No, Christiano Ronaldo is perfect.

Satisfied, Christiano Ronaldo returns to admiring himself in the mirror. He really is the greatest.

Christiano Ronaldo wins!
In ancient times, cats were worshipped as gods. They have not forgotten this. - Terry Pratchett


Cristiano Ronaldo, wearing a hoodie, a cap and sunglasses – the classic "invisible" get up – strolls up to the cashier with two items: a pill bottle for finasteride and a box of minoxidil topical solution. Both are the most common medications used to treat male-pattern baldness. The cashier does not recognize one of the world's most famous football players, a man worth $500 million and the winner of dozens of trophies and league titles. It's because of his invisible get up. It works perfectly.

Ronaldo gets home and looks at himself in the mirror in his bathroom. He is the absolute perfect specimen of a man. He is over six feet tall – not like puny little Lionel Messi, he thinks to himself – his muscles are built and well-toned, he is very handsome and his hair is perfect.

Well, almost perfect.

He began noticing it a few weeks ago. When he woke up in the morning, there would be hair all over his side of the bed. His partner also noticed one day while sweeping that there was an unusual amount of hair all over the floor. Not just long strands of hair, but shorter ones too.

That's when he knew something had to be done. And fast. This is why he went to the pharmacy immediately to pick up the finasteride and minoxidil – he Googled "solutions for hair loss" while driving and found these were the most common treatments.

But as he stared at the pill bottle of finasteride and the box of minoxidil, he began thinking. How long will this give me? I have to take these forever if I want to keep my hair. Can I really do that? And what about the side effects?

He began reading the bottle and the box carefully. They both listed the side effects of constant use, and he was downcast. No, he thought. I can't do this forever. One day, I'll slip up. I'll be too focused on training, or there will be a match, or something else. I'll miss taking these one day and then my hair will fall out again.

No, I can't win. The baldness will take me, whether in my 40s or in my 50s. It will win. No. Noooo.

Male-pattern baldness wins!


There is no doubt that when confronted with Male-Pattern Baldness, even a godly spirit such as Ronaldo cannot protect its host. On the day Ronaldo wakes up to see his hair falling out in his very luscious bed, he realizes what is happening. He has felt the signs for a while (such as his latest practice kick only obliterating 6 trees instead of 10), and realizes that his host is now falling from grace.

As his hair begins taking leaps of faith off his balding head, the spirit convulses before exiting the body of what was once Cristiano Ronaldo. It stares at this sordid, still-really-muscular body for a few seconds, before screaming in anger and rushing away to find a new host. It will remember this acursed new foe. It will not get him next time.

K.O. Male-Patterned Baldness utilized its LUCK to brutally demolish Cristiano's self-esteem. Male-Patterned Baldness is the victor.
A random goose has appeared.




          Cristiano Ronaldo         

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Male Pattern Baldness        

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     "Father, why do you look different than you did in this picture?"

It was an innocent question asked by Cristiano Jr, Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro's 11-year-old son. Most questions asked by children are innocent. Cristiano -the greatest man to ever live- thought back on his many years as a professional footballer, and all the biting but innocent questions he had been asked by children. Usually he hadn't listened, because why would he care what a peasant asks him? But he assumed they were innocent. God, he was great. Possibly the greatest person to ever live. He'd been at the top of his game for a very long time, and had a beautiful house, a beautiful family, a knighthood.

He walked away from this strange child and went to the washroom to admire himself in the mirror. Ah yes, there he was, Face full of face, muscles full of footballs, a full head of teeth and a full head of... wait.

From the corner of his eye, Cristiano -the greatest man to ever live- noticed his €3000 hairbrush, made of pure pink himalayan black marble, harvested by the most able-bodied child workers, with nothing but the finest prehistoric boar bristles, harvested from a now-extinct species found in the gradually-thawing permafrost. It was hand-crafted by Mason Pearson in London, each of their annually-produced three brushes worked on by its own pensioner attempting to supplement their meagre income so that they could afford heating for the winter time. He loved that brush, it smelled like success. On it today, however, were six strands of his famous, insured hair. That couldn't be right, usually there were only two strands. What could be the cause of this?

Cristiano -the greatest man to ever live- looked into the mirror once more. He smiled at the sight of his favourite thing in the world- himself. But there was no mistaking it. His hairline had dipped back at the sides, just a bit. He felt a cold sensation deep in his soul, the first fear to grip him in decades. Was this where it all ended? Was it finally over? Had the slow, relentless march of time finally come knocking at his, Cristiano Ronaldo -the greatest man to ever live-'s door? He sat on his golden chair, encrusted with diamonds, and clutched a blanket around his shoulders, a Portuguese flag with his face emblazoned across it.

It was all over, what was even the point anymore? His body was failing, here in this prison made of pure money.

Male Pattern Baldness wins.